Episode 113 – Exxon Saves GM, UAW Looks To Organize Congress, Sierra Club Buys Hummer

April 1st, 2009 at 9:00am

Runtime 3:33

Exxon announced that it will pay off all of GM’s debts and provide the company with the cash that it needs. The UAW launches an effort to expand its ranks and will focus on organizing the U.S. Congress. The Sierra Club makes a bold move and buys the Hummer brand. All that and more, plus the Smithsonian Institute makes a remarkable discovery.

Transcript and Story Links after the jump . . .

Here are today’s top headlines. Exxon promises to bail out General Motors. The UAW launches an effort to expand its ranks. And the Smithsonian Institute makes a remarkable discovery. Up next, we’ll be back with the news behind the headlines.

This is Autoline Daily for Wednesday, April first, APRIL FOOL’S DAY 2009, and now, the news.

The Exxon Corporation announced today that it is ready to pay off all of GM’s debts and provide the company with the cash that it needs to drop its dependency on the government. But there are strings attached. Exxon says it will only provide this money if GM cancels its plans to bring out the Chevrolet Volt.

Since no one else wanted it, and General Motors couldn’t afford to close it down, the Sierra Club made a bold move and bought the Hummer brand yesterday. The environmental organization grabbed the automaker after rumors spread on the internet that it was developing an alternative-fuel H3. Called the H3-EV, for environmental vigilante, the truck will now be fueled by donkey dung and bat guano.

With all the trouble in the auto industry, UAW membership is plummeting, so the union just announced a major recruiting drive. To stave off a collapse, the union is moving away from traditional manufacturing sectors and will now focus its organizing effort on the U.S. Congress. Union president Ron Gettelfinger testified in Washington that members of Congress were very interested in the idea of eliminating the secret ballot, and having the union handle the job of negotiating pay raises with American taxpayers.

Coming up next, a look at a startling discovery that could save you big bucks at the gas pump, we’ll be back right after this.

This is a really interesting story that you’re not going to believe. Archivists at the Smithsonian Institute say they discovered a lost artifact hidden in the museum’s vast storage facilities. While moving some storage crates they found an example of the famous “100-mile per gallon carburetor” that had been gathering dust for decades. Autoline Daily was allowed in to verify the discovery and we were asked to help figure out the secret to the carburetor. What we found is that the fuel inlet to the carburetor is actually a cow magnet that magnetically aligns the gasoline molecules in a row so that they burn more efficiently as they flow into the engine. Amazingly, automakers ignored this scientific breakthrough even though cow magnets were widely available through the J.C. Whitney catalogue. I always thought this was a hoax, but it turns out you can believe everything you hear on the internet.

Anyway, that’s it for today’s April fool’s edition of Autoline Daily. Thanks for watching, I hope you believe every single word we just reported.

23 Comments to “Episode 113 – Exxon Saves GM, UAW Looks To Organize Congress, Sierra Club Buys Hummer”

  1. Neddy Says:

    Ha Ha Ha !!!!!

  2. Gary Lisk Says:

    John,
    I enjoyed the piece today and wanted to share my email I created this morning and send to my Auto Industry friends…

    Accounting Error May Save GM
    Wednesday, April 1, 2009 6:53 AM
    Havalaughta Fuhn, APR Newswire

    GM late last night discovered an accounting error which may prove to be their savior; a 21.6 billion dollar savior, Newly appointed CEO Fritz Henderson announced Tuesday evening that an accounting chargeoff of nearly $30-billion dollars in 2001, was misstated, and that their cash position was now a healthy $33.4-billion will allow them to stave off bankruptcy. The error, stemming from in internal accounting audit conducted by Cheatham, Bygtyme, and Howe, wrote off assests in GM’s emerging investments in China and Latin America. This infusion of cash comes at a time when it is needed most, as GM is being pressured into a possible bankruptcy do to lagging sales and high legacy debt. Henderson, along with former CEO Rick Wagoner and other leading GM officials plan to meet with President Obama and Treasury Officials on April 1 to tell them to jam it up their ass. Wouldn’t that be great. April Fool’s.

    Enjoy!
    Gary Lisk
    http://www.2gta.com

  3. Pete Says:

    Great report, I cannot stop laughing! and boy, don’t we all need it

  4. Sven Anden Says:

    Great NEWS about Exxxxxxon / GM!

  5. jim Says:

    Hey, with the way things are going today, it’s sometimes hard to tell if things are a joke or reality!

  6. ahaught Says:

    LOL! That is great! “Amazingly, automakers ignored this scientific breakthrough even though cow magnets were widely available through the J.C. Whitney catalogue” very funny!

  7. Dave V. Says:

    You had me fooled until the donkey dung! Thanks for the chuckle!

  8. C Heston Says:

    GET your filthy dirty HANDS off my GUANO.

  9. Andy Says:

    FIAT saves CHRYSLER:

    Now that is the biggest joke I have heard so far.

  10. IS ANY THING TRUE Says:

    SO IS ANY OF THE ” NEWS” TRUE??

  11. G.A.Branigan Says:

    ROTFLMFAO !!! Killer stuff John ;}>

  12. pedro Fernandez Says:

    John, you had me fooled until I read the part about stopping the Volt. At $40k that’s gonna make a lesser impact in the industry than the Yugo ever did. FIAT and Chrysler the perfect marriage between two crappy cars.

  13. pedro Fernandez Says:

    In other news, GM has just announced a deal with the Castro brothers to have Cubans trade in their 1950′s imperialist yankee cars for new socialist-run American made GM cars. This was initiated by the Obama administration in an attempt to thaw out decades of bad blood between the 2 countries. How Cubans will pay for these cars has yet to be determined

  14. Jeffrey Klein Says:

    The only funnier thing that seems to be automotive (but isn’t) is the scheduled unveiling of the Scuderi prototype at the SAE Congress!

  15. Dan Bruckbauer Says:

    Maj. Bat Guano was not amused, and has filed a trademark infringement suit.

  16. Will Burke Says:

    Good fun on this April first, John. We need a little levity. Love your programmes.

  17. Richard William Thomas Says:

    I know Exxon bailing out GM was an Apri Fools joke.

    But when you think about it, it makes a lot of sense. The oil companies get rid of their “excessive profits” before the federal government takes them and the auto companies get to tell the Obaminator and his merry band of tax cheating thieves to go to “*%#&”.

  18. Jim Fekete Says:

    John, you rule!

  19. Tom Tyson Says:

    Try: “Smithsonian Institution….”

  20. Joe S. Schreier SAE/ret Says:

    I now know the secret of the Skinners Union carburetor!! It can process bat buano and actualy provides swamp gas that inhances the performance of following vehicles. At least that what Barny say’s of course I believe every word!.
    Joe “the mechanic”

  21. Don MacConnel Says:

    First the Headline then the SU carb. You made my day! What a great piece. We do need some laughs.

    Now if Chrysler would modify the Fiat 124 mechanics they could come up with a bunch of hemi powered Yugos…

  22. jerry flint Says:

    Thank you John. Kate and I just bought GM stock with every last penny we have because of the Exxon bailout. Thank you. We owe you.

  23. Mouhamad A. Naboulsi Says:

    I knew it!!! It is True then that GM, Firestone and Standard Oil conspired to kill mass transit

    Dam them to hell :-)